1 New Message, by Graham Mitchell
The day, with its’ darkening rain clouds, is drawing to a close, and the night is slowly creeping in. I am alone in this place I call home, just me and my thoughts. I sit staring at the wall opposite me, the framed “Disturbed” poster (the one used for their “Indestructible” album with its’ burning eyes) staring right back at me. The place is silent; the only noise that can be heard is coming from the pattering rain as it begins to beat outside against the window. The street lights outside give the room an eerie illumination, made even creepier by the fact that no indoor light is switched on, nor is the television turned on for the evening’s viewing. I sit in the near darkness of the room, silent, with the burning eyes staring at me, and there is a reason for this…
I sit in my chair, listening, waiting…hoping for something to happen. I am trying to outstare the burning eyes in the picture on the wall, but to no avail. I can hear the clock ticking, counting the seconds as they not so quietly, pass me by. This, in itself, freaks me out a bit; I don’t own a ticking clock. The only timepiece I have is on my ‘phone which is snugly placed in the pocket of my jeans. I give up on the picture and begin thinking of what has happened this day.
A tear rolls down my cheek. For many years now my heart has yearned for this one moment and tonight it could be fulfilled, but for now, I am waiting…
The silence is broken. Broken by the opening chords of “Damnation Angels” by WASP, a song I have on my phone so that I can listen to it whenever I’m on a bike ride, a song I chose to let me know I’ve received a text message. A song that now has my heart racing, I jump up from the chair, fumble through each of my pockets, searching for the elusive phone. It’s amazing how quickly you forget which pocket you put things in when you need to reach it urgently. The palms of my hands clammy with sweat, I pull the phone from my pocket. Its’ back-light adds even more eeriness to the room’s ambiance as I flip it open. The screen reads “1 new message”. Going into its’ inbox, I press the button enabling me to read the new message.
“Hello there”, it reads, “it’s me, your daughter”. After eighteen years, the rain is not the only droplets to fall this night.
Finding composure, and giving time for my eyes to dry up a bit then calming the shakes that forcibly take hold of my hands, I click the reply button. I have much to say, so much catching up to do, so much-so much of everything that my mind is as blank as the screen in front of me. What do I say to my girl who I have not spoken to before? What do I say that will not scare her off or show that I don’t care? I know…
“How have you been keeping?” pressing the keys slowly to ensure I make no mistakes (no more than I have already made so far), pressing ‘send’ I offer a quick giggle to myself. What a dumb question! For the past eighteen years she has carried a broken heart of not being able to wish her dad a “Happy Father’s Day”. For the past eighteen years…!
“I’m doing fine. What have you been up to?” The new message comes back quicker than I anticipate, with the music scaring the living heck out of me as it kicks in to tell me of it arriving. Do I expect more messages? I don’t know, but I sure am glad for them.
We send text messages back and forth to each other. We each introduce certain people to each other, mine being my brothers (her Uncles), sisters (her Aunts) and most importantly, her sister. She tells me about her friends and the one special lad in her life (if I ever get my hands on him!!…) Hoe could I have allowed myself to miss so much of this young person’s life? How?
Our conversations continue over the next few days. I tell her about my ‘exciting’ job, whilst she relates what she is doing at school. The subjects they have in school these days are amazing. We share our hobbies, our music tastes and more information about family and friends. I feel a closeness to my daughter which I thought I could never have. Our next step will be the hardest step, meeting each other. This will take a lot of time, patience and we both need to be emotionally strong for this to happen…until then…!
Now the text messages are not as frequent. This is really a testing time for me. Do I keep sending her messages and have the possibility of scaring her off? Or do I ease off and fear that she may feel that I no longer care for her? What a path of broken eggshells I walk on.
I get the text message of all text messages; this is the one I’ve feared most, it reads
“Love you dad”…
The floodgates to my tears open, but all my fears are laid to rest, well, almost. The only fear left is the one of meeting and I’m scared. Can’t begin to wonder how my daughter is feeling. But for now I tell her …
“Love you too x x”…
The more I wipe away these tears, the harder they flow. This is the emotion of true happiness!
Dedicated to my daughter, Sarah, for the courage she showed by making that first step…
By Graham Mitchell 2010